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I was really disappointed this year that I wasn’t able to attend FinCon. After reading so much about it, I was really excited to go. However, when my wife and I learned her due date was right around the time of the conference, my plans quickly changed.
Don’t get me wrong– I’m not complaining. Having a new baby is wonderful, despite the sleepless nights.
Since we don’t intend to add another kiddo to our family in 2018, I was getting ready to pull the trigger and purchase tickets for FinCon 2018. But then I thought to myself, I should talk to my wife first.
Making a “Big” Purchase
While she had given me the thumbs up on going in 2018, we hadn’t discussed the price of the conference. Usually, we discuss any “big” purchases.
You may be thinking, she already gave you the go-ahead, right? True. But in our household, my wife and I talk about any purchases that are over $100. To us, that is considered a “big” purchase. We like to touch base with each other about purchases over $100 to ensure that we are thinking clearly.
Honestly, I’m more of the one that needs to be checked. Sometimes I can be an impulse buyer. By having this rule in place, we avoid frivolous or unwise purchases. Over the last five years, we have accumulated a decent amount of wealth. I attribute a good bit of that to my wife talking me out of buying expensive dumb things.
To us, it is also a matter of respect. While my wife may not support our family financially in the same way I do, we share all of our money. We respect and value each other’s opinions enough to take an extra moment before making $100+ purchases to have a brief dialogue to make sure both of us are on the same page.
While we have this rule in place, I know many others have different systems in place. I have heard of households that have to run everything by each other. Other households have totally separate bank accounts and each person spends as they please.
Disclosing Purchases to Your Spouse
I came across a survey done by the Today Show from a couple of years ago. It reveals how much people spend without telling their spouse first. The results of the 22,000 people polled were quite surprising.
Source: Today.com
Nearly two-thirds of people check in with their spouse for any purchase under $100, which I did not expect. Incredibly, over a quarter of people tell their spouse about everything that they buy. I don’t know about you, but that seems a bit too much for my taste. Even more surprising, 6% of people don’t consult with their spouse about any purchases.
Interestingly enough, in the breakdown of the poll, they found that men and women answered similarly, yielding no statistical difference among those groups.
Threshold Amounts
Experts say the threshold each couple has chosen has a lot to do with the amount of money that they currently make. Those who make more money having higher thresholds, while those who make less money have lower thresholds.
Even so, most experts believe it is a healthy sign when couples have a threshold, whether high or low. “If you have a couple that’s fairly healthy about money, they each … tend to know when this is the kind of thing I shouldn’t do without my spouse knowing,” said Scott Stanley, research professor at the University of Denver and co-author of the book A Lasting Promise.
Communication
Stanley, however, does add a caveat. Sometimes communicating too much can become a detriment to the relationship.
“I think it’s a bad idea for one person to feel like they have to account for every little impulse purchase,” he said.
He believes that it’s best to give each person the freedom to spend a certain amount of money without asking for permission – as long as it is within reason and not for something like drugs, gambling or sex.
For my wife and I, spending over $100 crosses our threshold. While I’m sure we could increase that amount since we make more money that we did five years ago, we are still comfortable with that amount today.
We don’t exactly follow it but we also use $100. However, there is also a lot of “it depends” thrown in. If buying something under $100 but completely unnecessary like a new wreath for the door we will probably talk about it. If buying something over $100 but more needed like car repairs we might not.
Most of the stuff we talk about isn’t about the money but the time. Cost of FinCon ticket is no big deal but being gone for 3 days would be the thing to discuss.
Grant @ Life Prep Couple recently posted…Why I’m Not Buying The Mutual Fund of The Future
Hahaha…I didn’t even think about being gone for three days compared to the cost. Clearly I wasn’t thinking too clearly 🙂 I have no doubts that my wife did though 🙂
Mr. ThreeYear checks in with me for almost every expenditure–gradually, over the years, he’s started to buy under $30 purchases without telling me. He’s told me it comes from growing up really poor. I’m like you, and tend to make impulse purchases, so I’ve gotten better at checking in with him on big things. My threshold is more like $300, though. I think, regardless of what your threshold is, that your goals and values are the same. That way, if you want to spend money for the tickets to FinCon, your wife gets it and supports you. We occasionally don’t understand why the other wants this or that, but usually having a long discussion about our reasons and motivations help the other one understand the purchase (or get talked out of it!).
Thanks for sharing Laurie!!! It’s interesting to see how people grow up and how it impacts the way we might financial decisions. Before we got married I don’t think my wife ever talked about how much she could spend in her family. But once we got married and she saw finances were tighter she and I started to communicate a lot more in this area until we finally decided on the $100 number.
This may be the only financial point of contention in my marriage. Not prebuy mind you because we’re both consistent of notifying pre purchase. No the gap is I ask about expenses on a card I don’t recognize. Not because of my wife’s spending but because of Identity theft. Still sometimes she can perceive this as scrutinizing expenses even though I don’t care about the five dollars that went to PayPal as long as she initiated it. It’s something we’ve discussed and have largely worked out but something to keep in mind, especially for the budgeters in the house.
FullTimeFinance recently posted…Emergency Preparedness in Place
Hahaha…my wife gets annoyed as well. I’m sure it annoys her to no end when I ask about some purchase that seems out of the norm, especially if it’s a small amount. I honestly don’t care what she spends the money on, I care more that it’s legit and not fraudulent.
It’s the same for us. We aren’t checking on each other’s spending but rather concerned someone has fraudulently used our cards. We both are guilty of checking Mint to make sure there are no unkown charges on our cc’s and quizing the other person about one’s we don’t recognize but we don’t really stress out when someone decides to buy something every now and then.
Oh Mr. FAF and I just had the same conversation about going to FinCon18. I told him it would cost around 2k, and he said ok. But I think he knows that I know it’s a big expense, and that I probably wouldn’t want to spend it, so he just said yes to sound supportive. Hmm.
Mr. FAF always check with me about purchases over $20. He knows I don’t spend money on anything uses I really need or like it, so he usually doesn’t really care what I buy. But I do check with him though.
I’ve heard amazing things about FinCon so I think my wife is chalking this up to an experience. Also since I can put it on my taxes as a business expense, hopefully it will lessen the burden 🙂
Intersting information.
I’m in the spouse-knows-everything camp. We use Quicken to track our expenses and budget. Since we both make entries, we both also see the recent entries. So even if someone doesn’t mention an expense, it’s very clear what was recently spent – where, how much, and what category.
BTW, we love Quicken and highly recommend it.
Brad – MaximizeYourMoney.com recently posted…Great Money Advice Your Financial Advisor Won’t Recommend
Thanks for sharing Brad!!! I need to take a look at Quicken again. I have been happy with Personal Capital but am always playing around with new tools.
In our household, we don’t have a specific rule indicating the amount threshold that we should consult with the other spouse when we make a large purchase. My wife often consults me when she will make a purchase over $100. I feel respected and happy that she consulted me and I am often happy to provide my feedback.
I on the other hand, am the impulse purchaser and tends to go off and buy things in a flash. The good news is that I rarely do that and it probably happens only a couple of times a year. Most of the time, I would spend less than $200 so the damage is manageable.
Leo T. Ly @ isaved5k.com recently posted…Personal Finance Horror Stories
Hahhaa…keeping the damage to a minimum is key 🙂 Like you it’s never too bad but I am definitely glad my wife reins me in. Otherwise I’d have a lot more stuff collecting dust 🙂
Mr. Picky Pincher and I generally give each other a heads up for any purchase over $50. FinCon ’18 was a big purchase. It’s not just the ticket–the travel, food, and hotel costs can be astronomical. We’re hoping to plan ahead to minimize costs.
Mrs. Picky Pincher recently posted…The Picky Pincher October Budget Report
Thanks for sharing Mrs. Picky Pincher!!! I have only heard amazing things about FinCon so hopefully it’s worth it 🙂
Mrs. FF and I don’t have a formal threshold amount for spending, but I would say we discuss anything over $150.
Mr. Freaky Frugal recently posted…A formula for finding the right career
Thanks for sharing Mr. Freaky Friday!!! Sounds like you all have a great system in place.
My wife and I are kind of similar to you folks. If it’s usually around the $100 range we will discuss it. Fortunately neither one of us are impulse buyers so we don’t have a problem here. Communication is key though and for couples that may have one or both partners that like to spend, it can be an issue. Transparency is the best policy!
Mr Defined Sight recently posted…How To Live Your Life With No Regrets
Thanks for sharing!!! That’s awesome that neither one of your are impulse buyers. I definitely wish I didn’t have that tendency. I tend to get swept up at times when I need to sit back and think before I buy something 🙂
We don’t normally have a threshold set, but yes $100 would definitely warrant a discussion. Depending on what the item is it could be discussed a little or a lot. For example, if there was a leak costing hundreds, it would be a small discussion because it has to be corrected. But if it’s something discretionary, we’d talk about the pros and cons too. 🙂
SMM recently posted…We Should Stay In Our Financial Lane
Hahaha…if it’s a leak we’re getting some plumbers on the line to do some price quotes and we’re getting it fixed pronto 🙂 Emergencies for us don’t usually warrant a long convo 🙂
We set a threshold of $500, but we’ve found it really isn’t necessary. My wife says I never buy anything expensive at all except boring stuff like hot water heaters and HVAC units (she’s right…), and she’s found that if she floats an idea for anything over $20 I’ll act like a mini-procurement department and often find it cheaper than she could have on her own (yes, she is outsmarting me). As you say, almost any system can work – as long as its foundation is mutual respect and giving each party a little freedom, it can work.
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Hahhaa…that’s awesome that you are so resourceful to find things. My wife has that ability but I definitely am lazy and just buy it off of amazon since it’s easier 🙂
Very fortunate to have a spouse who thinks in a similar manner to me when it comes to money. I think it’s so important for a healthy relationship and I’m sure many marriage and partnership issues surface over money management. Tom
Tom @ Dividends Diversify recently posted…Get Your Motor Runnin’
Thanks for sharing Tom!!! It’s definitely important to be on the same page with your spouse financially!!!
My husband and I never had a formal threshold amount but we always discussed our big purchases.
Thanks for sharing Caroline!!! Sounds like you all have a great plan in place 🙂
Depends on the type of purchase.
We have our own ‘fun money’ that we can each spend. We have budgeted $100/month for that which gets deposited into our own individual accounts. So in theory, I could save that for 10 months and buy something $1000 and not tell or ask Kristin about it first – no big deal.
But if it’s something coming out of a shared account like something for the house we generally want to make those sorts of decisions together and tend to share basically everything there, mostly because we want the input of the other person.
I think whatever makes both people happy and comfortable is what couples should do, regardless of what others do.
Dave @ Married with Money recently posted…I Hate Starter Homes
Thanks for sharing Dave!!! I definitely agree fun money is definitely different than joint money 🙂 Although I have a tendency to talk to my wife about fun money stuff as well 🙂
We don’t have a specific number. Generally, it’s probably in the $100-$200 range. It depends on the item purchased as well. Mrs. WPF may spend $250 on stuff for the house without a discussion but we may discuss spending $60 on a concert or other luxury item. We both have access to see every dollar spent so even without an advanced discussion, we know that nothing is a secret.
Thanks for sharing Jason!! That makes a ton of sense. There are definitely different levels when it comes to spending on wants vs. needs 🙂
While we don’t require a discussion for every purchase, we do tend to mention to each other virtually all of our purchases (ok, maybe not those under $10, but I wouldn’t call it a threshold). It’s not a permission thing so much as one of us may have input on it, such as they saw a coupon/sale, or think something different might be better. That’s what works for us, but I think the important thing is that both parties are on the same page about the threshold.
Gary @ Super Saving Tips recently posted…Retail Tricks That Make You Spend More Money
Thanks for sharing Gary!!! I definitely agree that getting on the same page is key, whether that’s a $10 limit or $10,000 limit. Whatever that threshold is, being on the same page is so important.
We don’t have a formal agreement, but almost always talk to each other about a major purchase before we buy it. I feel that it is respectful. I too have been talking to my wife about fincon. She won’t be able to attend because she will be just a few weeks into the school year. She is all for me going if it is something that I want to do.
Dave recently posted…Keep Your Hands Off My 401K
Communication is so important!!! Sounds like you have a great wife especially if she supports you to pursue something you’re really interested in.
We have a couple of systems in place. I pay the bills so we have a joint account. Then he has his “play money”. He uses his play money for purchases for himself or gifts for me that he doesn’t want me to know about. If he wants to buy something for the household, then we discuss anything over $100.
Thanks for sharing Kim!!! That’s the hardest thing for my wife and I, we have a hard time hiding gifts from each other since we mainly use your credit cards. It only really bothers us around our birthdays and christmas but with Paypal now available I might start to use that more 🙂
A common set-up is the “three checking account” system. Paychecks get deposited into a joint account. A certain dollar amount (typically equal amounts) get transferred monthly to the other two checking accounts. One checking account per spouse. No question asked about how the money in those accounts are spent or not spent. Often the spouses don’t even know the account balance of the other account, respectively. Frequently those two accounts are the accounts the spouses had prior to marriage so the three accounts are at two or three different financial institutions.
I think it is a healthy arrangement. Even married couples need some privacy from their spouses. If you have to account for every penny you spend, it begins to feel like the Spanish Inquisition.
I compare that to my late parents. My mother was a housewife. My father would give her an envelope full of cash from which she was expected to handle household expenses (but not utilities). This would primarily be groceries and clothing for her and me (only child). My mother would typically underspend the budget and put the remainder into a savings accounts. As I recall, that savings account was a 5 digit value when she passed after 42 years of marriage. Of course that was a more patriarchal era. Essentially, my mother clawed her play money from the household budgets while my father used whatever remained from his paycheck as his potential play money. This could have been very dangerous except both my parents were hard-core savers.
Thanks for sharing Dan!!! I definitely agree that setting up a separate bank account from your spouse can be healthy so that you don’t feel like someone is always questioning every purchase that you make. I definitely would bristle at the thought of having an envelop handed to me and told that’s why I can spend for the week/month. I had a friends parents do this and I remember saying I don’t ever want to make my spouse feel that way.
One of the biggest arguments I recall was during the 70s or 80s during a period of high inflation. My mother asked for more money because the price of food had gone up considerably in a short period of time. My father didn’t want to do it. In hindsight, the monthly stipend was probably enough money to cover the expenses but the high prices were likely cutting her “savings” close to zero. On the opposite side, my father couldn’t have told you the price of milk or meat if his life depended on it.
Wow…that’s crazy to not get any cost of living increases. You would think if he got raises at work for inflation that it would trickle down…
Our household, any over $50 is briefly discussed but anything over $100 is discussed in more detail. Between $50 and $100 purchase is more like ‘Hey I’m going to get this, ok!?!’ and the other person says yes or no and move on either way.
With anything over $100 is more broader discussion if it’s a definite need and come up with a decision within a few hours or the next day.
I’m planning on going to FinCon and we will have a discussion on not just the price but also being away for 3-4 days or if it’s viable to have my wife and kid come with me.
Kris recently posted…Expense Chronicles – October 2017 The Pumpkin Patch and Petting Farm
Thanks for sharing Kris!!! I’ve heard only really amazing things about FinCon…I am definitely hoping it’s worth it. Plus trying to figure out if it makes sense to bring kiddos and family, especially since we’re close to Disney is an alluring temptation 🙂
We have no threshold. We are open with each other on what we want out of the year/goals and we set them and stick to them. We set amounts that we will invest and then if a big windfall comes into our lives we sit down and talk about it. Usually the big purchases are things we are both on the same page to buy.
Thanks for sharing!!! Sounds like you all are on the same page 🙂
I think our threshold is in the $100 range. But, that being said, I trust my husband and wouldn’t think twice if he spent more than that without “permission”. I regularly spend almost double our threshold without consent. Granted, I am buying groceries and he’s agreed that we need food. But my point is, I think it might also depend on the circumstances of the purchase in our case.
Great point Jenny!!! When it comes to basic staples my wife and I don’t normally talk about it if we got over budget. Although from time to time I’ll joke with her and ask how we spent so much on groceries. She always retorts it’s because our children eat so much food 🙂