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Recently, my wife and I joined a marriage ministry at our church. Having only been married for five years, we were both flattered and somewhat surprised that we were asked to participate. Part of being on this ministry team is providing counsel to newly engaged couples.
While we believe that we have a solid marriage, we hardly think that we have it all figured out. Heck, my wife still confuses me most days.
For instance, sometimes my wife wakes up with a sour attitude. I’ll ask her what’s wrong and she’ll tell me that I was mean to her in her dream. How are you supposed to respond to that? I usually just laugh.
I was sharing the crazy dreams that my wife has from time to time with one of my friends. He laughed and said his wife does the same thing to him. At least I’m not alone!
Financial Coaching
While I don’t have all the marriage answers, I do feel fairly comfortable with sharing our experience with finances.
My wife and I were incredibly fortunate. Outside of my home’s mortgage, neither of us brought any debt into our marriage. In contrast, I had multiple friends who dragged their feet before getting married, largely because of their partner’s debt.
While most of my friends were willing to accept and help pay off their future spouse’s debt, others decided to keep finances separate. That concept was very foreign to me. My parents always had joint bank accounts, so I assumed every married couple operated that way.
Separate Bank Accounts
Interestingly enough, 25% of people polled by the TD Bank Love and Money Survey 2017, stated that they have separate bank accounts.
When I first started coaching couples, I assumed everybody would embrace shared bank accounts in marriage. That was not the case.
Most people, who would like to maintain separate finances, decide on which bills will be shared, and they simply split those bills as roommates would. Then they decide which person will pay for other separate costs, maybe such as groceries.
Fights & Arguments about Money
One reason that people elect to have separate bank accounts is that they think that it will result in less fighting about money.
According to Sonya Britt, program director of personal financial planning at Kansas State, “Arguments about money is by far the top predictor of divorce. It’s not children, sex, in-laws or anything else. It’s money — for both men and women.”
In addition, she said, “Results revealed it didn’t matter how much you made or how much you were worth. Arguments about money are the top predictor for divorce because it happens at all levels.”
Our Personal Experience
When my wife and I first got married, there were definitely some disagreements about spending. My wife didn’t think I was spending wisely buy purchasing lunch outside when I could pack dinner leftovers. Meanwhile, I couldn’t understand why she insisted on getting manicures when she had dozens of nail polish bottles at home.
In order to stop bickering with each other, my wife and I created a small slush funds so that we could spend however we like. Each month, we each set aside $100 in our budget to fund these slush funds. This has really allowed us to stay even-keeled.
Future Planning
While I’m sure separate bank accounts work for some people, I wonder how these couples can plan for the future adequately. If one spouse is a saver while the other is a spender, will there be any issues when it comes to retirement down the line? Did the spender save anything for retirement?
Oftentimes, couples will say that they will figure out future stuff later. I can’t help but think about what would happen if one spouse was ready for retirement while the other still had to work many years until they could retire. Would one spouse be a hindrance to the other’s retirement plans?
When it comes to retirement, I am glad that my wife and I have a joint bank account. We are working towards our goals at the same pace, rather than moving on parallel paths at different speeds. While separate bank accounts are beneficial for some, I typically recommend joint accounts for those entering into a marriage.
“For instance, sometimes my wife wakes up with a sour attitude. I’ll ask her what’s wrong and she’ll tell me that I was mean to her in her dream.”
LOL you cracked me up with this dream story! But I can somehow relate. Sometimes I dream that Mr. FAF does something wrong (i.e. having a black account, hiding something from me), and I wake up feeling all suspicious. I’d share my dreams with him and ask him if there’s any truth to those dreams. I feel bad for him, but I can’t help it lol
Congrats on joining the marriage ministry!
LOL! I’ll have to add this to my list of things to accept with marriage.
Chris @ Duke of Dollars recently posted…DoD Health Savings Account (HSA) 101: What, How, and Why You Should Take Advantage P1
Thanks for stopping by Ms. FAF!!! That’s too funny that you have similar dreams and interrogate Mr. FAF 🙂 Must be a married thing!!!
I agree. I always thought separate accounts were weird for married couple. We made all my accounts joint and closed all of hers when we got married because I had a “real” job and she was fresh out of college with no savings to speak of. I think it probably makes more sense when you both have jobs, but as a single income family it definitely does not make sense.
My wife has even suggested that she is willing to start working to help me retire early because she knows how much I dislike it. Doesn’t get much better than that 🙂
Justin @ Atypical Life recently posted…How to Live The Simple Life, Car-Free Living
nice!! That’s very kind of her.
Chris @ Duke of Dollars recently posted…DoD Health Savings Account (HSA) 101: What, How, and Why You Should Take Advantage P1
Thanks for sharing Justin!!! I definitely agree that it makes life easier when all the money is going into one account. It shows a complete financial picture of everything going on 🙂
I feel that once you are married, there isn’t as much of a “my income vs your income” or “my bills vs your bills” – instead the attitude should change to “our family’s income, our family’s savings, and our family’s expenses”
That doesn’t mean there won’t be disagreements or differences in how people want to splurge, so having that slush fund is a great idea!!
Chris @ Duke of Dollars recently posted…DoD Health Savings Account (HSA) 101: What, How, and Why You Should Take Advantage P1
Thanks for sharing Chris!! I definitely agree that for us, when we got married it ceased to be your money vs. my money. It became our money and our financial goals 🙂
My wife and I combined finances as soon as we got married. One (of the many benefits of marriage) is the financial economies of scale you create. You can also stop spending money to attract a partner that could be impressed by that spending. It wan’t easy at first, but it forced a lot of discussion between us on money that has helped us out over the years. Marriage and combining finances helped us build a solid FI platform. Tom
Tom recently posted…Where I Went Wrong….with General Electric (GE)
My wife doesn’t work and I can’t even begin tell you how much better financial footing we are on. She has been a rockstar shopping deals, finding different ways to save money and taking care of tasks freeing up my time. Marriage is wonderful 🙂
I’ve mostly been on the same page as my wife financially thankfully. Even if I wasn’t though I don’t really get the separate bank accounts or income phenomenon. If your spouse runs credit cards through the roof you are still responsible for then. If your spouse has enough to retire on, so technically do you. Otherwise well, see point 1. It’s an illusion to say the accounts are separate.
Now saying you each have a separate budget for play, that I can understand. I don’t need to do that with my wife, but I could see it working. In that case your working from a truly different set of money and as long as you stick to it your ok.
Thanks for sharing Full Time Finance!!! I have had people swear by separate accounts. It’s not for me and I’ve seen more fights with separate accounts than joint in my short time meeting with folks. But that’s just been my experience so far 🙂
Slush funds save marriages. 😉 We also had a hard time combining finances, but eventually we got the hang of it. I think Mr. Picky PIncher in particular was nervous that I could see his spending. But if you have a healthy, open, and honest relationship, you can make joint finances work just fine.
Mrs. Picky Pincher recently posted…What A Frugal Weekend! November 19
I didn’t have that much fear since I didn’t spend that much to begin with, although I was a bit worried when I wanted to surprise her with a gift 🙂
We’ve continued to maintain separate bank accounts as well primarily for bill allocation purposes. But the main thing that has reduced our fights is a weekly allowance system where she drawdown for groceries, personal/health, shopping, and dining. This has helped us out a lot and added some monitoring on her part as well 🙂
SMM recently posted…Better Later Than Too Late
Thanks for sharing your perspective SMM!!! Sounds like it’s working out well for you all so far 🙂
I LOL’d about your dream story bc I felt that’s exactly what I’ve done to my fiance many times….
The only real joint account that my fiance and I have is for an investment property that we invested in together. We just let everything run on its own in this account.
Other than that, we have separate accounts in everything, but we’re really open about our finances w/ each other. We openly discuss how much we have and spent, how much we aim to save/invest, etc. We also agree on a set amount that we can spend guilt free. Although we have separate accounts, we combine everything ourselves and work together in increasing our net worth. In other words, we treat our money as each other’s. My money is his money, and vice versa. Even though we’re doing all of this, Idk why we never opened a joint account together… surprisingly, for so many years that we’ve been together, I can honestly say we never had a serious fight about money! But maybe we should consider opening one…
fin$avvy panda @ finsavvypanda.com recently posted…Here’s a List of 15 Financial Goals – What’s Your Score?
That’s awesome to hear that you all haven’t fought about money. Talking about money is not always easy so that’s awesome to hear you all are so open 🙂
My wife and I are 100% on board with complete combining of finances. Everything we own is “joint”. We both do a lot of financial coaching through our church and – like you – were surprised how many people don’t combine and are uncomfortable with the idea. It’s worked very well for us in our 23 years of marriage.
Brad – MaximizeYourMoney.com recently posted…Highest Paying Jobs Without A College Degree – 2017
Thanks for sharing Brad!!! Isn’t amazing how many couples are living parallel lives with their finances. I definitely don’t understand it 🙂
My wife brought about $34K of debt into the marriage where I had none. My parents paid for almost all of my college where she had to fund her’s through student loans. I didn’t care about the debt because we quickly got on the same page with our future saving goals. I actually made her read some financial books while we were dating. Haha. Her parents got a kick out of that.
We also combined everything immediately after getting married. More for the convenience of it. I also don’t get how you make separate accounts work if you have kids and your wife wants to stay home. Do you pay her like you would a daycare?
Grant @ Life Prep Couple recently posted…Don’t Trust The Spreadsheet: How We Paid Off $34K Of Debt In Five Months
That’s awesome that you made your wife read some financial books. My wife was definitely on board with where we wanted to go with our finances but I definitely wish I encouraged her to read a financial book or two for fun 🙂
We are 100% joint and happy with it. I can see having separate “slush funds”, but my wife and I haven’t needed them. Thankfully we are very much on the same page. Congrats on becoming part of the marriage ministry and helping other couples to find their way.
Gary @ Super Saving Tips recently posted…Why You Should Christmas Shop All Year Long
Thanks for sharing Gary!!! I know the slush fund isn’t for everyone but it definitely works for us, right now…
We’re similar to you guys – fun money accounts for each of us, everything else combined.
My wife is definitely more of a spender than I am. I don’t really buy much stuff, save for the occasional video game – and even then I struggle to justify a $60 purchase since I’d rather be writing than playing video games most days.
In the end, couples should not be afraid to have these conversations early on – in order to avoid some headaches down the line. Open and honest communication is the biggest thing for us.
Dave @ Married with Money recently posted…Shop at Amazon? Do .5% Better.
I definitely agree that it’s better to have the convo early on, especially when dating as opposed to later when you’ve been married for a couple of years. Better to know if you’re financial compatible before it’s too late 🙂
Nice concept to have a slush fund, this sounds interesting to test out and probably will avoid useless discussions of how we use money sometimes.
Do you think about future together or how do you plan something for the next 5 years?
Alex @ Asset plus recently posted…Driven by the fear of missing out
We have a pretty open system of talking where we want to be in the next couple of years. Our current timeframe that we’re working towards is 2020 as we’d like to find a new house by then or move out of the country but we’ll see 🙂
Great post. What an awesome honor to be asked to be part of the marriage ministry!
I LOL’d about your wife’s dreams. Are/were you an “I Love Lucy” fan? There’s an episode where Lucy has a bad dream about Ricky and begins hitting him over the head with a pillow when they wake up.
We’re 100% combined with our finances. Mr. G is usually on top of our investing and I’m on top of our checking/credit cards. I can’t imagine having mutual dreams and aspirations without sharing money and accounts. I also don’t believe in hiding anything either. That goes for purchases or stashing away money “just in case it ends badly”.
I do like your idea of the slush fund. That gives you some breathing room without feeling like you have to answer to each other.
Mrs. Groovy recently posted…What a Great Way to Start the Week: Choose FI
Thanks for stopping by Mrs. Groovy!!! I think I’ve seen that episode now that you mention it. Thankfully my wife doesn’t hit me with any pillows when she’s in a bad mood over her dreams 🙂
What kind of husband are you? How could you be so mean to her in her dream? LOL. My wife and I used to have separate accounts and a joint account. We decided it was better to just combine the accounts eventually. We’re both frugal but we’ll have disputes as to how we spend money at times. We just agree to disagree on minor things and focus on the big picture.
I know if only I could control her dreams 🙂 That’s good to hear that you all agree on the big picture. Much better to dispute minor things than disagree on the major things 🙂
Haha, about a month ago my wife was telling me the same thing when woke up. She said that I was very mad at her during her dream. I didn’t know what to say and laughed it off.
We have a couple joint accounts and have our own separate account. This works out well for us where we pay our bills on our joint account and whatever spending we do our own goes through our separate account.
Kris recently posted…Giving Recognition
Thanks for sharing Kris!!! I’m glad to hear that I’m not the only spouse dealing with crazy dreams 🙂
I dated a guy for a long time (7 years ) who wasn’t good with money. He left at least 1 401k be disbursed to him, while I saved and rolled mine over. He was older than me, and never much seemed to like working. I was wondering if I’d need to support him in retirement (I had only been saving for one!) or if he’d complain if I could retire ‘on time’, but he’d need to work. This was before I knew about the FI community.
I’ve also seen some epic break ups. My friend had to disburse her entire 401k & pay taxes on it and then give 1/2 to her ex. Ouch!
I’ve been responsible for all my own expenses for so long, I almost can’t imagine sharing them. I’ve had a few bad experiences with businesses not clearing checks on time (last apartment complex assigned my rent to someone else and I came home to an eviction notice! ) that I tend to be hyper vigilant at the moment too, and wouldn’t feel comfortable trusting someone else right now.
I’m all in for some joint accounts and some separate. Not that I have anything to hide, but for my own sense of control / control issues I know I have.
In the end it will come down to finding the right person and seeing how things work out.
Thanks for sharing Jacq!!! It’s definitely a bit difficult when someone is a spender and another person is a saver. There can definitely be a lot of tension that doesn’t always lead to financial compatibility!!!
Nice post MSM! Being on the same page financially in Marriage is very important. Mrs. Widget and I have joint accounts. This works best for us as it makes us feel like we are a team working towards the same goals. Every couple is different though, so whatever method is used, it’s most important that both partners agree.
Oh and I have gotten the same comment about being mean to her in her dreams! I didn’t know how to respond to that either!
Mr. Widget
I’ve never understand how wives can get mad at your while they’re dreaming. If I’m not mean in real life why would I be mean to her in her dreams 🙂
Jared and I have the same bank account. No secrets! And I even closed my old account since I thought I didn’t need it anymore. Now there’s a trace of regret because I wanted to chip in on Paetron some artists and writers without having to alert my husband of the transactions. Its not a money thing. But teenager girls will always be a teen girl somewhere no matter how old. Its a bit embarrassing hahaha…
Lily @ The Frugal Gene recently posted…How to Comparison Shop for Happiness
Hahahha…my wife does the same thing. When she sells things on Craigslist she’ll receive cash and use that as a semi slush fund for her to augment some of her intended expense even though I could care less 🙂