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I have a love/hate relationship with social media sites like Facebook and Instagram. On one hand, I love seeing updates from my friends and family. On the other hand, some of these pictures and updates are enhanced to portray a specific message rather than reality.
A few of my friends seem to travel the world all the time, sharing pictures from bullfights in Spain, snorkeling in Belize, and even relaxing on the white beaches of Tonga.
How Do They Do It?
I love looking at their photos. I find myself becoming entranced by their adventures, especially while I am sitting at home, cold, in the dead of winter. There have been hours wasted looking up flights to see how much it would cost to replicate these types of experiences. The costs usually agonize me. I can never seem to configure my budget in a way that would support spending so much money in this area.
Then I wonder to myself, where do these people get the money to fund these amazing vacations? For instance, one friend of mine doesn’t make much more than I do. I just don’t see how he is able to maintain the lifestyle that he does.
Reality
I was sorrowfully lamenting the fact that I couldn’t emulate all the fun that I see on my news feed to a friend of mine. My friend proceeded to share a personal story with me. A couple close to him was also spending big bucks traveling and just enjoying life. They too were posting tons of showy photos. What most people didn’t know was that this couple had been trying to have a baby for going on 5 years.
He then proceeded to tell me how sad they were in their struggle to have a child. They had suffered a couple miscarriages as well. On top of paying for IVF treatments, their doctor recommended that they try to keep stress levels low and “relax”.
The couple interpreted this recommendation as encouragement to take more relaxing vacations. However, that has depleted their savings, in addition to the expensive fertility treatments. While they are showing off these amazing vacation spots, in reality, they would rather be at home caring for a newborn baby.
A New Point of View
After that conversation, I came home with a new perspective. While that couple spends all their money on dinner dates, concerts, and traveling, they would rather be spending money on diapers, car seats, and 529 plans.
All that goes to show– things are not always as they appear. Most times, we do not know what is going on behind the scenes.
On top of that, when you look at everything posted on Facebook or Instagram, things start to merge. You could have a friend who took an amazing vacation somewhere, another that bought the latest tech gadget, and another that moved into a mansion. What you may not differentiate is that three different people did three different things. However, we put pressure on ourselves to replicate all of the experiences that we see.
A Comparison Effect
“A lot of our decisions are based primarily on this comparison effect,” says behavioral economist Fernando Zapatero of the University of Southern California’s Marshall School of Business in Los Angeles.
This comparison effect is powerful. And according to former President Theodore Roosevelt, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” As you can see, many of us are flung into a vicious cycle of comparing ourselves and then harboring negative emotions as a result.
Greener Grass?
If you haven’t read this article about 18-year-old model Essena O’Neill on the truth behind social media, you have to read it. She shares, “Social media, especially how I used it, isn’t real. It’s a system based on social approval, likes, validation in views, success in followers. It’s perfectly orchestrated, self-absorbed judgement.”
While it may seem like everyone around you has their stuff in order, that may be a false reality. The grass isn’t always greener. But even if it is, that is okay too. If you are spending your money wisely and in areas that you value, you are on the right path. Instead of being jealous, I am learning to be content in my own situation. I also remind myself that I don’t always have the full story when I am taking in these images on social media. I am going to try to be a little more grateful for what I do have.
It’s the other way around for me. Some of my friends thought I have so much money. I do travel once a year and also post them on Facebook specifically the golf courses I’ve played during my travels. What they don’t know was the amount of research I’ve done just to find the best travel deals and the work needed to saved the money. I know for a fact that many of them has more money but saving everything for their retirement. I’m more into living a balance life. Work hard play hard and living in the moment type of person.
Thanks for sharing Bernz JP!!! There definitely needs to be a balance between spendings and savings in life. What’s the point of saving everything if you never get to enjoy anything in life. Sounds like you are doing it right 🙂
Once people start comparing, its just a matter of time before the wrong thing is said and two people never speak again. You wanna keep your friends, be happy for them in all instances. If it makes you upset to see other’s good fortunes and experiences, they look within and make a change.
The constant negative energy of keeping jealous company will take it’s toll on a person. AIN’T NO ONE GOTS TIME FOR DAT!
Its funny because jealous people never hear the perceived “rich” person telling them about travel hacks and other life hacks that helped them SPEND LESS.
Church recently posted…Net Worth Jan’18
Great points Church!!! At times, I think the jealousy can really blind people to become too narrow minded. They then lose the big picture of things and aren’t open to creative hacks like you described above 🙂
Oh my I have a love hate relationship with social media as well. Many of my friends seems to travel and eat good food all the time.
A couple I know also travels a lot. One day I saw the wife posted something like we travel all over the world while others are busy having babies. Not sure what they are trying to say, but I also suspect that they have been try I bfn to conceive for years without any success.
Ms. Frugal Asian Finance recently posted…How Frugality Helps Me Work Better At My Job
Thanks for sharing!!! Glad to see I’m not the only one with a love/hate relationship. As someone said…it’s a highlight reel instead of the truth 🙂
I learned at a you age that “comparison is definitely the thief of joy”. Hence I rarely feel jealous of what people have that I don’t. I feel happy for others that they have achieved success. At the same time, I don’t go and beat myself up for not being as successful as others.
You said it best, you have to be content with what you have. I am definitely happy with whatever I have as I earned everything that I have myself and nothing beats that.
If you want to have what others have, use it as motivation to achieve more. Resentment and negativity will not help you get what you want, only hard work will.
Leo T. Ly @ isaved5k.com recently posted…My $263K DIY Investment Lessons
This is so spot on – also I notice that when I am happy with my life nothing makes me jealous. I use those negative feelings as a compass to show me that I need to focus on something missing within me. It helps me refocus to things in my control and right back to a peaceful state!
This state required a lot of focus attention and work for me. I made it a priority to be joyful.
Thanks for sharing Leo!!! Comparison is the worst kind of thief joy. It really does nobody good and only breeds bitterness. Definitely not a fan 🙁
Social media has always been the highlight reel. We only see the moments of success, purchases, trips, etc., and we mentally perceive that these people are ahead of us in those categories. What we never see are the struggles behind the scene that either lead up to those highlights, or are now being experienced because of everything they gave up for those highlights.
I don’t think anybody could tell you that they 100% have never judged either another person or themselves based off a social media post. We’re human, its natural to us. We are naturally competitive and want to be at the top.
Great post!
Thanks for stopping by Sean!!! You are absolutely correct people only want to share the highlights of their life. Nobody ever wants to share pictures of vacuuming or dusting 🙂
Agree. Best to just focus on oneself and be grateful for what you have rather than thinking too much about others. Tom
Tom @ Dividends Diversify recently posted…Reflection on a Market Correction & What Did I Buy?
Thanks for sharing Tom!!! I definitely agree that you should be happy with what you have and not worry about what others have 🙂
Absolutely agree with the post!
Facebook makes it seem like your the only one sitting there doing nothing, when in reality this isn’t the case.
Let’s say you have 1,000 FB friends. I forget the exact states, but let’s say 80% are sitting at home doing nothing with you, and 20% are posting their adventures.
This gives you the impression you are out of the norm, when in actuality you are doing what most people are, Facebook is just showing you the 20% because they are the ones posting at the given time.
Overall this makes us feel like everyone is doing something, even though 80% are sitting there like we are, just not posting to FB 🙂
Wow that’s crazy that 20% of generating the envy for 80% of the people but it totally makes sense. I thought social media would bring folks together but it’s actually tearing folks apart 🙁
Three things that really help me here –
1. Written down life goals (which I share on my blog) and a very very concrete idea if what success looks like TO ME. IF I ever start feeling like I am comparing and therefore feeling bad for myself I look at my goals and remind myself that happiness and fulfillment don’t come from outside things but from how I feel within https://traveltravelandretire.com/2017/11/26/2018-life-goals/
2. Reminder that for us we are “buying” the most expensive and important thing instead of a bigger house or car (which we COULD have if we wanted to) = we are buying our life freedom back. This ‘I could but I choose not to’ is super powerful.
3. Daily gratitude journal – since starting this practice it has been incredible how it really really centers you. On bad days you look back at it and realize how much you have.
FYI – travel hacking has allowed us to do amazing travel! For example we are going to Bali business class and tickets were $350. In fact last year we went to an all inclusive in Puerto Vallarta and if you do it right you can literally spend less during your vacation than if you would have stayed home! BUT it is a lot of work so again, a matter of priorities. If I get jealous of my friends that are super fit until I remember all the work they did and do to stay that way – it goes away really fast :).
Thanks for stopping by!!! I started to do a gratitude journal last year and it was wonderful but I got out of the habit. I need to get back into it. On top of that I am incredibly impressed with your travel hacking skills. I am definitely going to stop by your website 🙂
I always just tell myself that I’m probably saving more than them and can stop working sooner. For some, that’s great – for others, they don’t really care. I have friends who truly love their jobs and would be happy working until 65 or 70.
I’m not in that camp, so to expect us to spend our money in the same way is ridiculous. With different goals comes different ways of deploying the capital we have available.
Dave @ Married with Money recently posted…It’s Better to Fail at FIRE Than Succeed At Normality
Those are great points!!! I know people at work that when I talk about FIRE they think I’m crazy. They love their job and never want to leave. So like you said, different camps for different people 🙂
I’m comfortable with my situation, and know that if I take care of myself, then I will be wealthier than all of my friends combined (money, relationships, etc.)
You buy a really nice car? Sweet, you just wasted time, money, and now will have to pay that back in the future in some way (either to the bank, to the corporate man, or to your self).
Great post 🙂
Erik @ The Mastermind Within recently posted…The Great Side Hustle Question: Should You Work for Yourself or for Others?
Hahhaha…that’s so funny because there are times that I have a similar reaction 🙂 Although, there are some cars that I do admire, even if they depreciate 🙂
If I find people are over posting stuff, I usually block them. I feel bad for saying that but more and more of my newsfeed is now things I like (e.g., sports news, financial stuff, life hacks, etc.)
SMM recently posted…Almost Beat The S&P 500 Index
Hahhaa…I have muted a bunch of people that kinda annoy me with that sorta stuff. Every once in awhile I’ll be curious and look them back up but quickly remember why I stopped 🙂
Whenever I see someone posting on social media, showing something off I always find it fake and I think they are really miserable.
Although I always tell my partner to post something when we are traveling just to make people jealous. So I guess I’m a hypocrite.
I was thinking of posting to FB things I am sad and depressed about on a daily basis. Just to make things more real. But I usually never post anything about myself unless it’s to promote my blog. So it’s just wishful thinking.
CJ recently posted…Why I Sold My Initial Investment From Bitcoin and Ethereum
I’m right there with you!!! I only post on social media for blog stuff…otherwise I would never be on social media 🙂
I learned early on that “What you see is not usually what you get”. People only show you and share what THEY want you to see.
I have three kids and with social media the way it is, it makes it much harder sometimes to parent because they easily believe everything they see on Instagram or snapchat or whatever the social media flavor of the day is. It takes real life example to make them realize it’s not greener on the other side and to just enjoy what they have.
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Thanks for sharing Caroline!!! I definitely don’t think I realized how much harder things were compared to social media. When you see those perfect pictures on social media of your kids and then when you try to do the same…you see it took an hour to get that one photo 🙂
I think about “rich” vs “wealthy” a lot. When I see people with laving stuff I don’t assume they have a lot of money. Or if they do have a lot of money, I don’t assure they have high wealth. Many high spending consumers are heavily leveraged in debt. And even a decent percentage of those NOT in debt are spending the majority of their income on consumables. Unless I actually know someone is focused on saving, investing, and building wealth, I don’t assume they’re better off financially.
Brad – Financial Life Planning recently posted…Why You Need To Understand How Mortgages Work
That’s so interesting that you say that you don’t assume they’re better off financially. I’m on the opposite end of the spectrum and I make the bad assumption that everyone is doing amazing. Funny how we see things differently…especially when I know you’re right 🙂
During those first few years I was on Facebook, I have to admit I was kind of in awe of the pictures my friends and family would post on their feed. Their vacations, cool cars and nights out at high-end restaurants. I almost wanted to do those same things just to match what they doing. But I realized that’s own life path and happiness, we all have different life experiences and shouldn’t be a carbon copy to the person I see on Facebook.
Now, I’m just happy whenever people on my Facebook feed are having a good time whatever they’re doing because you want to see them happy,though it may be different behind the scenes but as long as they are doing fine, it’s all good.
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Great points Kris!!! I’m definitely like you in that I’m a lot happier with other people living a rockstar lifestyle now that I’m more comfortable in my own skin. I like hanging with my kids and spending time with them. That’s why maximizes my joy 🙂
Thanks for sharing! It’s true that people’s perception is their own reality. Unfortunately, we all need to find ways to keep our perspective in check sometimes. Enlightening for sure, thanks!
Thanks for stopping by Shaun!!! I couldn’t agree more…sometimes we need to take a step back to see the full picture 🙂
A great post, giving an insight in how other people are wired, although it did make me feel very abnormal.
I’m always shocked to see how much people are judged by friends. Especially by their friends on how much money they have! And the jealousy. The concept just seems so alien to me personally, so it’s good to see the thought process laid out.
Ms ZiYou recently posted…Being single is ok – thoughts from someone unlucky in love
That’s awesome to hear that this isn’t an issue for you. I have to admit I fall in the normal (bad) category of being jealous at times…
It’s so easy to get sucked into the social media game of jealousy and one-upping. I have learned to mostly keep that jealousy at bay by focusing on our goals like taking a year or two to travel in an RV with our kids, and providing them with a solid financial start in life. Travel pics tend to get to me, though, and we still can’t wait to take a big European trip eventually!
I think it’s generally good policy to remember that you rarely know the whole story of other people. Everyone struggles in some way, and things are never as ideal as we think. Being thankful is key!
That’s a great point Mrs. COD!!! Even celebrities have issues and insecurities…which at times seem strange 🙂
I don’t even have to go on social media to wonder why all my friends are happily retired and living the same way they did when they worked- travel adventures, eating out, driving new vehicles and there is no way I can afford to retire. It makes me feel like I have done something really wrong. I have worked hard, lived below my means and saved but still it doesn’t seem retirement will ever be an option. The cost of health care is a big reason retirement isn’t an option. I have to keep working to have health care. My neighbors who are the same age we are and probably earned a bit more than us travel 8-9 months out of the year in a huge rv and still have a really nice home to come back to with lots of nice vehicles in the garage. I don’t understand how that is financially possible.
I just try not to think about it because as I said it makes me feel like a failure.
Kim you are definitely not a failure. It sounds like you have a ton going right for you and who knows what your neighbors are doing. Maybe they’re blowing their money now and going to have to go back to work in a couple of years…you never know…
I totally agree with the love/hate relationship with social media! I love to travel and get the opportunity to travel quite a bit, but everything is deliberate and planned and well within our means. Weirdly, I get a different view from people who see my travel photos and the unconventional path that I am on. Most people think that I can’t afford to buy a house or a nice car because I blow all my money on travel. So I actually have people who think that I am not in very good financial shape because of my traveling. Weird!
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Hahahha…that’s funny the perception that others have…especially when viewed through their own lenses. Congrats on all the travel, I am definitely a little jealous 🙂